Bluebell Wood

We are heading off on a round robin of visits this weekend, it occurred to me that I might just need to take my phone. Modern technology is so incredible isn’t it.

So, this is a bit of a test post and a bit of a ‘I love Bluebells post’.

Now I shall run off to the lap top and see if it works….

Narked Shopper…

I went shopping today.

Not an unusual occurrence you’d think.  We have a family party at the weekend and I’d like something new to wear… Trouble is, I have a deeply seated aversion shopping. I hate it. I especially hate it in the sales. Not for me the searching through racks for bargains, all shapes and colours bunched together tightly and mixed up, I shudder at the thought.  If I have to go shopping, I like it laid out neatly in size order, preferable colour coded too… And choice, I like choice.  Not much to ask is it?

Today was particularly bad because I wanted to replace a much loved sundress I’ve had for 2 years, it’s showing age, I should have guessed I was on a hiding to nothing really, can you ever replace a much loved item?I trundled off in my best underwear to the city…

I walked bloody miles…

It seems that this season, the fashion industry has decreed that I either get to wear dresses that just pass my bottom or I have to look like some 1970′s frump in a maxi dress that even in heels I risk tripping over (yes, I’m a short arse). I’m also supposed to look like a ’70′s frump in brown, navy or some garish tropical print that I wouldn’t even wear on holiday….

*sigh*

In fact, most of the shops I have come to rely on having reasonable choice. for many tastes, just seemed to be sparsely filled with cheaply made rubbish, is this a knock on effect of the recession? Money isn’t being spent by the consumer so the shops have to buy cheaper stock, which people don’t like and don’t buy… Terrible downward spiral

I also needed to buy my daughter a pretty cardi. Every shop is filled to the brim with pretty t’shirts, shorts and sundresses. No jumpers or cardi’s to be seen anywhere. Erm This is Britain people. It rains here and not just on Wednesdays!!!

So I came home empty handed (again) and now face the dilemma of where to go tomorrow because I still need something to wear… Usually I love the fact I live in the middle of nowhere, today I’m resentful of the fact I need to drive for an hour to find decent shops, cost of fuel and all that  (It’s okay, I’m not intelligent enough to be a political blogger, I will leave that gem to them.).

I know this isn’t really the fault of the fashion industry but it’s them I’m narked with, so it is now…

The One Where I Cast Out The Bloggyblock Demons and Talk Teeth.

I have blogged a grand total of 7 times this year. It’s April, this is unheard of. I’ve made every excuse under the sun. I’ve been busy, scribbling ditties elsewhere, doing stuff, being other places; but the hard truth is I’ve been blog blocked. I’ve had something to write about that has been burning me up inside but I couldn’t. I’ve felt guilty, I’ve felt failure and I’ve felt shame.  Time has passed and slowly, the stress has ebbed away and I’ve been able to talk to specialists and other people about it. I’ve discovered it wasn’t my fault, I’m not to blame, I did nothing wrong that hundreds of parents aren’t doing right now but the guilt and shame burn.

Someone new told me they were reading my blog this week and I wondered why they were bothering, I mean, I haven’t been here for months! So I came and looked at my stats and the posts people are reading. I was astounded. People still come to this little corner of the internets and read my shit every day! My stats are nothing to write home about in the scheme of things and as I don’t interact with the ‘Mummy blogging’ world very often, I don’t suppose my readership is ever the same person twice but someone comes…

I was touched, really… and I thought to myself, why are you not blogging? My answer again was, I’m blog blocked, unless I get this shame off my chest and out there I may never blog again. So I’m going to do it. Don’t judge me too harshly, I never saw this one coming and I honestly wonder if you have either…

My daughter is an angel, yes, so she has her moments but as a parent I really ‘don’t know she’s born’ as they say. People point out this is to my credit, I’ve worked reasonably hard (without getting all stage Mum) at this parent malarkey for 5 & half years and she is a darling (I’m biased I know). I love her unreservedly as any mother should and I always try to do what is best for them, I guess this is why this whole teeth thing bites so hard.

Last September we visited the dentist, just as school was starting, the dentist advised me that my girl had a tiny cavity in one of her back molars and to take care of it. Anyone who knows my personal hygiene routine will know that I’m obsessive about teeth brushing.  After enduring two sets of orthodontics and having to still wear a retainer at night (attractive fact about me not many people know ) I am almost OCD about caring for my teeth, I brush, floss and mouthwash at least twice a day, I only have one filling (last month) and still have 2 baby teeth.  Installing a good dental hygiene routine in my smalls has been very high on the agenda.  So I was horrified she had a cavity! They rarely have sweets, fizzy drinks are far and few in between and never coke. No added sugar anything really.

At the same time as this School were hammering her with healthy eating, no chocolate (rightly so) in the lunch box, I even wrote a post about it, so thinking I was doing the right thing I started buying those rather cool fruit smoothie drinks, you know, the ones everyone loves (and me, it has to be said) with the rather brilliant fridge magnets, you know, the ‘really good for them’ ones with the ‘part of your 5′ a day tag. Healthy stuff that. I’m a good Mum I am *hangs head in shame* It’s not just those, she has always been a fruit magnet and would still prefer a bowl of grapes to jelly and ice cream and good on her!

Most children would have been fine, my son got the same, he’s fine. I drink it all the time, I’m fine.

Not so my little Angel, she has very weak teeth enamel and her teeth disintegrated. Well two of them did, her top ‘D’s. Ironically not the tooth we had been warned about. Food started getting trapped in the cavities and she started feeling pain. Pain that I helped create. It took 4 months for this to become a very painful problem.

I know you are probably sitting there thinking I’m being melodramatic about this. I can’t stress to you enough how guilty I feel about my baby feeling this pain, having to go through having the remains of the teeth removed under anesthetic. If I was to explain to you graphically what it feels like to hold your child’s hand as they go under anesthetic, to hand them over to other people to put right something you helped go wrong. I’d never be able to capture the feeling in words.  I can’t explain with enough forcefulness how terrible this made me feel, I’m supposed to keep her safe and look after her. Yes, I’m whipping myself. I think I deserve it, though I am coming to terms with it.

Every single dentistry professional has shaken their head and said, fruit is a real danger to enamel. As we parents are encouraged to make our kids eat their 5 a day to be ‘healthy’. My daughters reception class gets free fruit for snack, I’m sure I’m not the only parent who has over looked the acidity issue, the possible damage it can cause.  Yes, of course they have to eat fruit! I’m not saying stop but did you know that a simple swish around the mouth with water can significantly reduce the acid, thus reducing the risk? I didn’t know that. Perhaps I’m naive.

My little girl is a trouper, she has come through this amazingly, she screamed for 30 minutes after she came around, mostly because she was scared and then she wanted to go to the park.

Slowly, I’ve been pulling back the pieces of my smashed up stress head. I know I’ve been intolerable to be around and I’ve lost a few friends in the process due to being at the end of my tolerance.  I’ve opened up to a few people and I’ve been astounded by how many of them have said they have been through this with their children, or been through it themselves. People who I know look after their children extremely well.  I’m believing again that perhaps I do okay at this Mum thing and getting this out into the blog is a major step forward in being able to take ownership of my feelings. I don’t suppose it will ever go away… Not completely, but then I’m a mother and this comes with the territory.

If just one person reads this and thinks, I need to be aware that fruit, whilst an excellent healthy choice, needs consideration, I will be thrilled.

This was a hard post to write, the fact that I have written it is a leap forward for me. I hope to be here more often.

Little boxes…

I am an appalling blogger…  I think to myself, one post a week, how hard can that be? Honestly, how hard can that be! and I sit here in front of the screen and make that ‘uugggghhhheeeegggg’ noise as my brain empties all over the floor, (it’s quite cathartic actually, perhaps I should try to blog before sleeping #insomniac!) and I can think of nothing… So I go to (one of my many) tumblr(s) instead or think of different things more suited to how my brain is working at the time… Then in the shower today it dawned on me that this is my issue, I am a box person and that is just how I work.

My head is full of little boxes.

I compartmentalise, it’s a coping strategy developed from an early age. It works like this.

Wake up – Mummy mode

School run – Shouty mummy mode

9am – 2pm – Adult Female Mode

2pm – 3pm – Panic housekeeping mode due to slacking off in Adult Female Mode

3pm – 7pm Mummy Mode, may include shouty mummy mode

7pm – bedtime Wife mode

etc…

of course each mode contains many many finer distinctions. I like things separate in boxes, this is the family blog, I tried fictional writing here, didn’t work so that is elsewhere, I had to put my resolutions elsewhere too so I could think about them separately. (Yes Jenny, I will get back on track with that shortly, I know, slacker right!)  You only have to look at my tumblr to see how it works, 10 on one feed because they can’t all go on the same one, that would be messy, I need themes…

Little boxes…

I bet you are wondering where I’m going with this? The simple answer is I don’t know. It’s a cotton wool thought from a cotton wool brain, I vent and then I’m happier. Blogging does not need to be all constructive useful postings of the informative variety, well, not on this blog anyway!

I do wonder if this prevents people from seeing the whole picture, the actual Julie beneath the boxes. It’s got to be a bit psychotic in a OCD sort of way and perhaps the whole me would be a happier individual. I’m not sure I will ever know the answer to that.  I also refuse to believe I’m the only person who does this!

I am a real woman.

Curvy women are real women. Skinny women are real women. Women who have had boob jobs or lip enhancements or liposuction are still real women. Size 0 may make no sense mathematically, but a woman who wears that size is as real as the one who wears a size 16. What makes us “real” people is not the shape of our flesh but our basic humanity. And we lose our humanity when we judge – not when we lose weight, gain weight, or make the intensely personal decision to undergo cosmetic surgery.
Hugo Schwyzer

I found this little quote today in my  tumblr feed, I have no idea who Mr.Schwyzer is, perhaps I should google him, but how much sense does he make? I feel like standing up and shouting AMEN! because this quote speaks volumes to me…

Life these days is fast, it’s pressured, we live it at the end of our tethers. I know that these days, the age I am (41) I can sit back in my little rural idyll where the only rush rush is the school run and getting to the many appointments I seem to have on time. In my 20′s it was all about looking good, being fashionable, following the crowd. 30′s were harder still, keep looking young, being active, having a career.  40, to be honest has been a great release to me, apart from feeling the need to loose a few pounds because I feel happier slightly lighter, I feel less pressure to dazzle and amaze and can say f*ck off to fashion should I choose but it’s still always around me, the pressure….

Don’t let yourself go, get a haircut, waxing is best, wear makeup, new clothes.

It’s everywhere you look, TV, magazines, newspapers, off hand comments…
This week I read a rather damning piece of opinion on twitter about women’s anatomy and it annoyed me. This supposedly off hand, supposedly humorous comment is the type of thing that adds to the pressure women feel under, it undermines our self esteem, which can often be fragile enough as it is when we are constantly being told we are too big, need to be sexy, in control… I pointed out to the gentleman in question the insensitivity of his remark and all I got in return was a rant about how I had taken his tweet far too seriously and it wasn’t his fault I had a complex about my anatomy.  I found this extremely upsetting and as the gentleman feels he has nothing to apologize to me for; not his remark or that fact he seriously upset me (I don’t upset easily) I unfollowed him, I lost a friend but frankly I don’t need friends who don’t care if they upset me…

So, yes Mr.Schwyzer, I vote for humanity, I need friends who can see past my packaging to the interesting, intelligent, warm, human person that I am and if you think women should be judged on how fat, thin, big boobed or ugly they are, keep it to yourself.

Ice ice baby

My son came home from nursery yesterday demanding ice to play with, I’m such a soft touch I let him make some and add some food colouring. His hands are going to be disgusting but he’s having a lovely time!

Resolutionary2012

Last year I rehashed all my favourite blog posts of 2010 for you to savour, this year I’m just not looking back, if you didn’t read my drivel as it was published such is life, my mind is focused forward and there I intend to let it remain. Last year I was also determined that I would make no new year resolutions, this was probably because this time last year was not a good place in my roller coaster life and I figured January would make or break so expending energy worrying about unimportant stuff like getting fit and eating better wasn’t high on the agenda… Yeah, it was pretty tough back then! I’m very chuffed to say that this year has gradually got better on the issues I faced then, thanks to my hard working husband and some very special friends who are always able to lift my spirits, one in particular (you know who you are.)

This January looks pretty much normal and it’s with great relief I can say that… So on with some normal stuff like back to school, a drop of rain, mud and snow perhaps and a look forward to 2012 with a view to improving certain normal areas like health and fitness etc…

I have a great laugh surfing through Urban Dictionary, it’s the ‘word’ don’t you know, this week I stumbled upon the term ‘Resolutionary’ it made me giggle for ages as this is so me…

People who join a gym after the New Year, only to quit going within 3 months.

“I couldn’t find a free treadmill, the place was crawling with resolutionarys.”

Sound familiar?

So I thought, what if I make a few notes, record my progress on certain areas, like a diary of non-progress, would that be incentive enough to keep me going past April?

I don’t know but it’s worth a try isn’t it? If I just shrugged and said I’m going to fail then it will.

So Resolutionary2012 has been born. Let’s hope it helps!

Christmas Yumness!

I can’t compete with my sisters Christmas biscuits but we had a bit of fun making marshmallows on sticks!

I don’t think I fully appreciated how hard they are to make!

 

Family Traditions: No frenzy, no Sir…

This is a rule, a traditional rule in this house… It works well for us and makes the effort worthwhile.

Only one person may be opening a present at any one time….

Ever…

Honestly.

And yes, this means that we can make the present opening last all day, either side of Christmas Lunch, sometimes after tea and occasionally have some put bu for boxing day too…

We all watch each other opening our pressies and if we wish to, we stop to play. If one of us has to leave the room for any reason all pressy opening stops.

There is no frenzy and all presents are appreciated and examined before moving on.

 

Family Traditions: Nibbles for Santa!

My little sister made this plate for Santa after my son was born, of course the smalls will think we have always had it, it’s part of their Christmas tradition now.

I still think she got the milk bit wrong, I’m sure as magical as Father Christmas is he would be fine with a small port or a large brandy… he can be sloshed all Christmas Day like the rest of us can’t he