The Unmastered Art of the Self Administered Bikini Wax

Everything costs more this month doesn’t it.  The shopping bill last week had me sucking air between my teeth like a cowboy builder and the little things that make life a bit more bearable need to be reviewed…

I’ve had to reconsider buying my one bottle of wine a week (yes only one, I inhale more than drink it.) and that much needed trip to Costa will have to see me out until February.

Every purchase will have to be considered and for a while at least, no more Heinz baked beans but own brand and the toilet paper situation is going to get very dire…

There are areas that have not been quite as tightly “scrutinized” before which I have to (at the very least) show willing to analyse, one of these being “personal care” items.  The last belt tightening saw me changing from a “hairdresser” brand shampoo to Pantene (which is actually very good for my thin fluffy stuff) and I have enough Sanctuary body products to last me for a fair few months. I won’t compromise on the smalls Halos n Horns bubble bath and shampoo, it’s expensive yes, yet it’s the only products for them I have found that work and don’t irritate their very slight eczema problem.  Daddy is very low maintenance in the product department, he avoids shaving as often as possible, uses soap and my shampoo in the shower and toothpaste and deodorant, we get a shelf each in the bathroom cabinet and he occasionally whinges at me for putting stuff on his shelf – well mine is full isn’t it and his… half empty.

So that kinda leaves the ‘outsourced personal care’ items…  I recently went to a different hairdresser, mainly because my usual lady doesn’t work on the days the smalls are at nursery, although last time I went I came our looking like Shaun the sheep on shaving day…  the new girl did a fairly good job and she was £4 cheaper and no fuel cost – result.

And the 6 weekly trip to the beauty therapist for a bikini wax…  well in truth not every 6 weeks, my totally intolerant pain threshold often gets the better of a desire to be neat in the nethers and the tube of veet often wins, shouting at me as it does from the cabinet “I’m so much easier!!!”  So when I found myself lingering at the hair removal selection at superdrug to get some more veet the other day I was surprised to see amongst the ineffectual ready waxed strip kits a sugar based “warm wax treatment”.  Well you never know until you try do you…

So, after putting the smalls to bed the other night I got the kit and read the instructions… remove seal, place pot in saucepan with boiling water half way up pot, allow to heat for ten minutes, apply thinly, rub strip on pull off – how hard can that be?

I boiled the kettle and made a coffee, the most important bit done I used the rest of the boiling water to fill up the saucepan, set the heat low,  took off the seal from the pot and popped it in…  10 minutes later and another coffee the wax is still in a blob in the middle of the pot.. I swear… loudly (I did say the smalls were in bed okay!) This was eating into more Twitter time than I had truly appreciated.  I give the pot a stir to help it along, scraping the wax carefully back into the pot and put the spatula down on the box.  Hmmm I sip coffee staring meanly at the little pot of wax, I put down the cup, my hand is stuck to the cup…. good job this stuff is only sugar but it’s hellishly sticky, the spatula has dribbled a tiny pool on the work surface too, I clean up myself and the mess. 16 minutes have passed and there is still a thicker glob in the middle but in true impatience me fashion the indicator has changed colour around the edges… scoop, slap on (thinly) stretch skin, apply fabric… rip….

OH! B*m P** T*ts W*lly

It really really never hurts that much in the salon!
Well it works… but at what cost!? And can I honestly go through that again for the rest of the desired area? No, I’m too lily livered and scurried off to find the Veet…

Where did I go wrong? What is the art to successfully self administering a bikini wax? Is it possible at all? Or do they produce this product simply to lure penny skimping idiots like me into thinking it “might” be a good idea at least once!!!


10 Responses to The Unmastered Art of the Self Administered Bikini Wax

  1. Kez Lewis says:


    I’ve never used wax on my bikini area, tried on my legs but I was less than satisfied with the results, so shaving it is for me I’m afraid.
    I have also tried Veet on my legs but this too didn’t work very well (although this was going back a good few years!)

    Veet good? Does it actually work? I’m all about the smooth look (?!) If I can do that well enough with little or no pain, I’m in!

    • kailexness says:

      I never bother with it on my legs, too messy but on the bikini line it leaves the hair less prickly.. Which naturally has it’s advantages… 😉

      • Kez Lewis says:

        HAHA! Naughty!
        So you do recommend Veet for that area then?!

      • kailexness says:

        In the absence of a good waxing – yes…

  2. Fantastic post. I nominate this now for funniest post of the year so far. Sorry, I know it hurt a lot but its brilliant. Put me off home waxing for a while though… 🙂

    • Helloitsgemma says:

      Brlliant post! I swear by the strips. Take a minute to heat. I stick them on the radiator in winter, warm them round a hot mug tea in summer. Deep breath and pull!

  3. Vic says:

    Yeah, I only tried it once. Heaven knows what damage you’d do if you tried a home brazilian!
    I’ve given up on that idea and am trying out one of those home IPL things. Still in the early stages so no miraculous results yet but I do hold out hope!

  4. Jen says:

    Nope, I can’t do it either, so much better to have someone else pull the strips rather than counting to 10 fifty times before I get the guts!! Jen

  5. Jenny paulin says:

    Have never had the nerve to wax that area myself let anyone else do it for me! Good on you then. Very funny xx

  6. Northern Bird says:

    I’ve never been to a salon, can’t stand the thought of my bits being seen by a total stranger, so I’ve always done D.I.Y home job. However, I’ve never had any success with waxing. It doesn’t work on me :\ So, after a huge discussion with a friend I decided to just shave.
    Thong on back to front (hey, it was friends suggestion, not mine) I went for it.
    Unfortunately, I nicked myself 😦 Blood wouldn’t stop for 3 weeks. This was 6 years ago. I still can’t shave that bit without opening it up again :\ Needless to say I will never trust my friend again 😉

    Great blog post by the way! You always manage to make me laugh 🙂

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