Staring at a blank page again…

Its time for a mind ramble..

It’s not like I haven’t tried to write, although to be fair to me (which I do try to do, even with a propensity to be too hard on myself.) life moves so fast and I’m often pulled in so many directions that my head spins.  As each day closes I remind myself to feel blessed that I reached the end of it with everyone I love safe and well. Compared to this, this full life of “stuffs” the need to write is just a niggle which I file mentally under “Things to do next week” along with printing off my endless back log of digital photos and actually doing some housework.

Sometimes the niggle is louder, so I muse on Facebook. Short, sharp often humorous (I hope) status updates observing the latest thing to tickle my fancy, the niggle is short-lived, easily placated and gets burried as I’m pulled into the next thing, endless refereeing, creating culinary masterpieces (scoffs loudly) school runs, evening clubs (theirs not mine, I have no social life!), preparing for trips, ironing work clothes, watching them display their latest achievements on the trampoline… and I do so love it all. It’s good this life. A pause button would of course make it better.

Today I find myself with a little extra time due to school play rehearsals, so I thought, get on with it, and then I thought, I have nothing to say. This discussion has ended my writing aspiration so many time I can not even begin to calculate, it may even have happened daily since my last post… Today I decided I would tell you this. Which makes today a very different day indeed.

In most respects its been a very normal Wednesday! I get more head space on Wednesdays as a rule, the small people have a woodland wander to school which means I get to drop them off earlier. After a brief logistical chat with one of my most fabulous friends, about various to-ings and fro-ings of children I headed home to coffee and i-pad time before work. I work part-time and this morning was a quiet one with friendly customers and chats about camping, puppies and the inability of any human to multitask. After work I wandered through the town running the odd errand, indulging on my favourite pass time of saying hello and exchanging news with people I know, spreading smiles. I was even brave enough to say hello to someone I thought I recognised from Instagram! (It was her too! which is even lovelier.) On arriving home I was greeted as usual by the black and white ninjacat, aka Twinkle, who has mellowed with age to being passably polite to most people and occasionally loving towards me, the food provider. Lunch was an indulgence of goats cheese and chorizo and then I found myself facing the dilema – I could clean/wash/iron/vacumn/sort/tidy etc or I could crochet/sew/read/game etc or I could write…. Guess what won.

Life changes.  Gone is the need to tweet to maintain adult contact in a world filled with nappies and peppa pig. No more, the desire to invite the world of the internets to know my every movement and dinner, it seems.  I never was one for selfies.  The daughter (now 10, I know, when the hell did that happen!) is adverse to my sharing her picture or doings on a web site (and I repect that) so any drivel I do splash onto this page about the smalls needs permission, although its usually granted.  The cats, adoreable as they are, are much the same as anybody elses. I never did write much about Mr. K as it would end up being a moan (possibly) and I’m much too loyal to mouth off so publicly about his good self.  I find myself a little bereft of subject matter.  So please forgive me if another year or so passes before I darken your door again.

 

 

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The Unmastered Art of the Self Administered Bikini Wax

Everything costs more this month doesn’t it.  The shopping bill last week had me sucking air between my teeth like a cowboy builder and the little things that make life a bit more bearable need to be reviewed…

I’ve had to reconsider buying my one bottle of wine a week (yes only one, I inhale more than drink it.) and that much needed trip to Costa will have to see me out until February.

Every purchase will have to be considered and for a while at least, no more Heinz baked beans but own brand and the toilet paper situation is going to get very dire…

There are areas that have not been quite as tightly “scrutinized” before which I have to (at the very least) show willing to analyse, one of these being “personal care” items.  The last belt tightening saw me changing from a “hairdresser” brand shampoo to Pantene (which is actually very good for my thin fluffy stuff) and I have enough Sanctuary body products to last me for a fair few months. I won’t compromise on the smalls Halos n Horns bubble bath and shampoo, it’s expensive yes, yet it’s the only products for them I have found that work and don’t irritate their very slight eczema problem.  Daddy is very low maintenance in the product department, he avoids shaving as often as possible, uses soap and my shampoo in the shower and toothpaste and deodorant, we get a shelf each in the bathroom cabinet and he occasionally whinges at me for putting stuff on his shelf – well mine is full isn’t it and his… half empty.

So that kinda leaves the ‘outsourced personal care’ items…  I recently went to a different hairdresser, mainly because my usual lady doesn’t work on the days the smalls are at nursery, although last time I went I came our looking like Shaun the sheep on shaving day…  the new girl did a fairly good job and she was £4 cheaper and no fuel cost – result.

And the 6 weekly trip to the beauty therapist for a bikini wax…  well in truth not every 6 weeks, my totally intolerant pain threshold often gets the better of a desire to be neat in the nethers and the tube of veet often wins, shouting at me as it does from the cabinet “I’m so much easier!!!”  So when I found myself lingering at the hair removal selection at superdrug to get some more veet the other day I was surprised to see amongst the ineffectual ready waxed strip kits a sugar based “warm wax treatment”.  Well you never know until you try do you…

So, after putting the smalls to bed the other night I got the kit and read the instructions… remove seal, place pot in saucepan with boiling water half way up pot, allow to heat for ten minutes, apply thinly, rub strip on pull off – how hard can that be?

I boiled the kettle and made a coffee, the most important bit done I used the rest of the boiling water to fill up the saucepan, set the heat low,  took off the seal from the pot and popped it in…  10 minutes later and another coffee the wax is still in a blob in the middle of the pot.. I swear… loudly (I did say the smalls were in bed okay!) This was eating into more Twitter time than I had truly appreciated.  I give the pot a stir to help it along, scraping the wax carefully back into the pot and put the spatula down on the box.  Hmmm I sip coffee staring meanly at the little pot of wax, I put down the cup, my hand is stuck to the cup…. good job this stuff is only sugar but it’s hellishly sticky, the spatula has dribbled a tiny pool on the work surface too, I clean up myself and the mess. 16 minutes have passed and there is still a thicker glob in the middle but in true impatience me fashion the indicator has changed colour around the edges… scoop, slap on (thinly) stretch skin, apply fabric… rip….

OH! B*m P** T*ts W*lly

It really really never hurts that much in the salon!
Well it works… but at what cost!? And can I honestly go through that again for the rest of the desired area? No, I’m too lily livered and scurried off to find the Veet…

Where did I go wrong? What is the art to successfully self administering a bikini wax? Is it possible at all? Or do they produce this product simply to lure penny skimping idiots like me into thinking it “might” be a good idea at least once!!!

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

One of my Facebook pals tagged me on this note today, now I don’t have a lot of bloggy friends on Facebook and it’s much too big for Twitter so I’m posting it here…  Who ever you are Amy Lawrence, you are one hilarious and observant lady!

 

11 Step Program for those thinking of having kids

by Amy Lawrence on Tuesday, January 4, 2011 at 5:24pm

Lesson 1

1. Go to the grocery store.

2. Arrange to have your salary paid directly to their head office.

3. Go home.

4. Pick up the paper.

5. Read it for the last time.

 

Lesson 2

Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their…

1. Methods of discipline.

2. Lack of patience.

3. Appallingly low tolerance levels.

4. Allowing their children to run wild.

5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child’s breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.

Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.

 

Lesson 3

A really good way to discover how the nights might feel…

1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5PM to 10PM carrying a wet bag weighing approximately 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly. (Eat cold food with one hand for dinner)

2. At 10PM, put the bag gently down, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.

3. Get up at 12 and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1AM.

4. Set the alarm for 3AM.

5. As you can’t get back to sleep, get up at 2AM and make a drink and watch an infomercial.

6. Go to bed at 2:45AM.

7. Get up at 3AM when the alarm goes off.

8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4AM.

9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive)

Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.

 

Lesson 4

Can you stand the mess children make? T o find out…

1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.

2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.

3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.

4. Then rub them on the clean walls.

5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.

6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?

 

Lesson 5

Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.

1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.

2. Attempt to put the octopus into the bag so that none of the arms hang out.

Time allowed for this – all morning.

 

Lesson 6

Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don’t think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don’t look like that.

1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment.

Leave it there.

2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.

3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle cheerios all over the floor, then smash them with your foot.

4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.

 

Lesson 7

Go to the local grocery store. Take with you the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week’s groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.

 

Lesson 8

1. Hollow out a melon.

2. Make a small hole in the side.

3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.

4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.

5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.

6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.

You are now ready to feed a nine- month-old baby.

 

Lesson 9

Learn the names of every character from Sesame Street , Barney, Disney, the Teletubbies, and Pokemon. Watch nothing else on TV but PBS, the Disney channel or Noggin for at least five years. (I know, you’re thinking What’s ‘Noggin’?) Exactly the point.

 

Lesson 10

Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying ‘mommy’ repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each ‘mommy’; occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.

 

Lesson 11

Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt- sleeve, or elbow while playing the ‘mommy’ tape made from Lesson 10 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

This is all very tongue in cheek; anyone who is parent will say ‘it’s all worth it!’ Share it with your friends, both those who do and don’t have kids. I guarantee they’ll get a chuckle out of it. Remember, a sense of humor is one of the most important things you’ll need when you become a parent!

Show me the Funny – The Gallery

Not side cripplingly funny but now classically funny because this photo has appealed to my daft sense of humour for 21 years… It never fails to make me smile and I guess that is very revealing about me on some level……..  😀

Taken by me at my old college in about 1989.

Don’t forget to visit the rest of the entries at Sticky Fingers I’m sure there will be a good selection of chuckles this week!