Epiphanies & finding one’s new place in the world

Changes, changes… 2018 is turning out to be a bit of a roller coaster ride, but in a good way. This morning I had a surge of contrary thoughts as is my way and, also as is my way, I just wanted to vomit them at the computer screen. It helps me to get it all straight in my head, it always has… However, these thoughts were fairly random but not something I could ‘release into the internet’ under any of my current guises: Until I thought of you dear readers. Is it time, do you think to re consider where this blog fits in my life now? Because, to be honest, that has been the problem in the last few years, I couldn’t see how it was of ‘use’ to me.

In the crazy struggle of writers block that just went on and on, then there were kids that didn’t want to be featured on a blog or Twitter or Facebook, also being pulled left right and centre with health issues, I really did try a few times to use this space, which I’m sure you can see if you look back but it never really gelled. Perhaps it still won’t perhaps again I’ll be looking at this post in a year and thinking ‘Oh man..’

Although I think it might work this time.

I started writing again in February… Words came spewing, venting of emotions, some harsh, some whimsical, they spiralled out of me splashing across the screen in a mad ejection of thoughts. Poems mostly, it’s a start I thought and I was right, I’ve tried hard not to force myself to write letting the whimsy take me where it will, no pressure. Why February? Well, I think I’ll put that credit at my Doctors door for sorting out the total mess that had been happening since 2011 and my bumpy ride with early onset menopause… That and a couple of other personal factors. It feels like an epiphany, an awakening of a sort. Long may it last.

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So, here I am with my muddled head of contrary thoughts and a place that might be suitable to vent them? I wonder… I feel, right now, that in so many ways I am in a transition period. I’m not the first, I mean how many books, films and documentaries are there about women needing to ‘find themselves?’ As much as I’d bl**dy love to f*ck off to Greece for a month like Shirley Valentine, it’s not going to happen, I’ve not so much ‘lost myself’ as I just kinda put ‘me’ on a shelf for 12 years and now I’m trying to find out if I still fit. My darling girl is about to end her primary school career and is flexing the fingers of independence, my gorgeous boy has feet the same size as me and is almost as tall, he has to face his first school year without his sister around and secretly he’s hating that thought. The husband is finding his feet driving a desk rather than a van but is very good (bossy as all hell) at managing his people. Which leaves me… No longer required as much for the everyday fire fighting that first almost 12 years of motherhood have demanded.

I’ve been easing back to life. For the last 3 years I’ve been working part-time which often can feel like an escape into the ‘adult’ world. This last school year I’ve attended college once a week to learn silver smithing which has been really wonderful. On top of that we as a family have been enjoying little freedoms… like letting the kids who swim like fishes go into the sea by themselves on holiday. They pop out to the newsagent on errands and at weekends the make their own breakfasts. The little things add up. Since February though, I have felt an ever-increasing build up of what can only be described as pressure inside me. With the husband working from home my head space and me time has gone. Someone else is always in the house, chatting on his never-ending phone calls and just being present. It a claustrophobic feeling which I think I am getting used to but begrudgingly so. The need to escape and be just me without the labels is immense. I love being a Mum, Wife, sister, daughter, friend etc… but this shaking the labels off has always been a major issue for me. (My old reader will be nodding.)

My solution? (Yes, I do have one) I’m off to London on my own to just be. It’s all booked as much as I want it to be, hotel, train… I’m escaping to the city to spend some time with myself. To go to the V&A, maybe the national gallery? Maybe see a show? Maybe sit in Covent Garden and drink very expensive wine and watch the world go by? Maybe stay in bed until 10am and get crumbs on the sheets? I don’t know, I’m not planning anything because if it’s just me, I don’t need to, do I? No ‘Mum! I’m hungry/bored’ ‘Can we have?’ no worrying about Mr.K not wanting to eat curry if I do (he’s easy going to be honest but he’s still my third child and I want a time out of caring).

An epiphany if I ever had one.

 

Perhaps this is something I can share with you? Here in this space? That would be good.

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Silent Sunday… Family Resemblance

Silent Sunday

 

The Gallery – a novel idea

This week Tara from Sticky Fingers has given us a brilliant task, a photo/s which illustrate our favourite Novel.  My initial thought was to confiscate Poppy dog’s selection of bones gathered from various points  in the garden and do almost anything by Kathy Reichs, some of my readers would probably not appreciate the image though…

I had a great chin wag with my sister Jenny on the subject explaining about the Gallery and what we do and we had a great laugh investigating the possibilities, especially as we have between our girls 6 Princess outfits, 2 flamenco dresses, a high school musical cheerleading kit and some handmedown party dresses from other cousins. the thing that really got us giggling was the possibilities involving jaffa cakes…

So here is my apology to my sister, I forgot to buy the jaffa cakes – sorry hun! In true make do fashion I purloined my husbands chocolate digestives.

DISCLAIMER: No chocolate biscuits were harmed during the making of these photo’s – honest (nom nom nom)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you The Twilight Saga by Stephanie Meyer….

Twilight

New Moon

Eclipse

Breaking Dawn

I think it might be about time I discovered the next best thing, all new reading suggestions welcome 😉

Happy Birthday Liz!

Today is my step sisters birthday, Happy Birthday Liz!

She is 5 months younger than me, we met at school when we were about 6 or 7.  Her father used to call us the terrible twins.  We attended brownies together and it was during those days of lift sharing that our parents met (I may save that story for when I’m feeling braver…)

Over the years I have many many memories of our time together as friends and sisters, our shared holidays with the parents usually involved the general mischief that teenage girls get up to, mostly involving boys, we were scarily innocent really.

I remember hurrying to the pier in Exmouth because of a cute pair of twins  who liked to fish there we were about 11 then. They were from Lancashire and didn’t seem to mind us hanging around to much, I’m in touch with one of them still after all this time.   There were the chaps who threw pebbles at our window one year, again in Exmouth, though how they expected us to get down from the first floor I have no idea!

Spain stays with me because at 15 we were given too much rope by our parents in retrospect, we spent a lot of our time with the other 15/16 year olds on the campsite of various nationalities and it was our first holiday where we discovered the joys of drinking – not in the binge drinking way the youngster seem to be now ( How old do I sound!) but we were amazed by how much vodka the Spanish actually put in a vodka and lime! After a night out there we were staggering together back through the campsite I was part dragging her as she seemed unable to support herself when I saw her father approaching “Liz – it’s your Dad” Instantly sober and upright we walked back with him, I’m still not sure how she pulled it off or if we actually did pull it off at all, I may have to ask him one day.

My favourite holiday was a in St. Jean du Mont, France. It’s a beautiful area of lovely beaches, warm sea and blue skyies, such colours!  This time we were away with Liz’s cousin Nicola as well, after spending time lolling around on the beach we got chatting to four chaps from Paris, bronzed Adonises!  they were camping near our caravan site, it was more an adventure in language and culture than anything else.  Nicola could speak better french than us and we managed to struggle along, the hilarity over “car blue” where  adjectives got swapped around never fails to raise a smile, Laurent had an obsession with the word “Pudding” and made us say it over and over.  They were drinking Malibu and pineapple one day (mid afternoon!) and one of the chaps said “Ooo la la Malibu, ” that became a kind of mantra that springs to mind every time I see a coconut.  During lunch one day Liz refused to share someones burger due to being vegetarian, they just couldn’t understand it!  Nicola had to explain vegetarianism without knowing the actual french word, which translated came across as “Liz doesn’t eat small animals” not quite right but it caused some laughter.  Good times.

We lived in different parts of England as we grew up, after leaving home I moved South about the time she was moving North, we would meet up at Christmas to try and play “Triv” whilst drinking up the festive spirit, often too much!

So on her birthday, not a big one yet, I enjoy that prospect later this year…  I’d like to say thanks to Liz for being my sister and Cheers! I hope you enjoy your day and any mad metal music and drinkies that may involve!