Pulled in all directions whilst trying to find center

I found myself pulled to my blog today. I haven’t been neglecting it as such I just have had other things to do and write and it’s level of importance has diminished to what it used to be.  I clicked on new post because that’s what you do when your fingers itch and your mind swirls and you know you need to write, if not for the desire to have something to say or that others need to read but for the sanity ‘this mess must leave my head now’ factor.  This seems to be what I come here for, good or bad for others it works for me.

And this mess this time? What is it? It’s about transients, the fluid movement of people through your life, they touch it, they move on, some stay, some you wish didn’t but mostly as we move through life people go.  On a much more Micro scale but still seemingly important to me is the transience of Twitter.  This week saw the deletion of 2 accounts, people with whom I converse almost daily who decided for good reasons to delete their accounts. In both instances I talk to both of these people in other areas of twitter so they have not left me completely but the fall out from them deleting, seeming to disappear had a marked effect on those they left behind. On both days their absence was almost immediately noted and their was genuine loss that they had gone. I found myself saddened by this but I did note that as in reality, life went on at an alarming quick pace.  “They chose to go, that’s bad, I’m sad, moment passed, continue, as you were.”

I mused to myself, if I left cyberspace today, who would actually miss me?

Please DON’T leave comments saying ‘I would!’ as nice as they would be that’s not what me having this rant is about; also I’m not planning on doing it but in reality it has bought me up short and left me feeling a little cold.  IF I was to delete my blogs, delete my Twitter accounts and Facebook, scrap my emails, change my phone, remove myself from the internet and just not be; How long would people care.

The answer is not bloody long at all because there are thousands of women blogging their souls into the internet, millions striving for witty recognition on Twitter and unless someone is family, a soul mate or on your actual physical doorstep it’s out of sight out of mind. Perhaps that in itself is why we do it? Why twitter and blogging works for me so well and so many other individual who find it a life line, we come, we vent, we feel better and if we chose to ‘get a life’ we can at the flick of a switch, the press of a button. Or we can reinvent ourselves and come right back, fresh-faced, a new persona with no history or baggage and start again.

Food for thought….

I Heart Me Monday – How do you blog?

How do you blog…. Interesting question… How do I blog? Organically. There, that was a quick post wasn’t it!

Alright *reluctantly drags attention back from interesting twitter conversation* it’s like this…

Something tiny, an inkling or flash of an idea appears in my head and worms it’s way around my brain until it’s forming a pearl of an idea or sometimes a Moeraki Boulder of an idea and it niggles and worries at me until eventually I have to spew it into the keyboard like a volcanic erruption, punctuation comes later (or doesn’t because I’m hopeless at punctuation…)

Moeraki Boulders

This is effectively how I write everything…  Discipline, structure and often content are of no matter. Which is why I don’t write interesting commentary on newsworthy topics or join in very often with the subject led fiction,  in fact I have been waiting for ‘I Heart me Monday’ to throw up a subject that doesn’t gel enough for me to spew about – hasn’t happened yet obviously…

I often wish I could be more disciplined and focused, perhaps with practice I will, perhaps actually doing some practice might help…. At the moment though I have so much coursing my head that needs venting it’s fair to say ‘practice’ is not going to happen today….

A Quick Bleat

I’ve always considered myself an honest tweeter, sometimes probably a bit too honest. My personality has a streak of irreverence that I often wonder if people take the right way, so to set the record straight I’d like to let my fellow tweeter know that I do tend think with humour first 😉 @drop4Three aptly assigned me my own personal hashtag this week #ToBeCheekyIsToBeAlive , if the hat fits…

Sometimes though a tweet is not enough, it just doesn’t cover it… 140 little characters when what you actually wanted to say was so much more! So we come to the concept of Bleating,  padding out those understated tweets.  I have no idea why but this morning of all mornings (Merry Christmas Eve btw) I feel a bit shouty… Indulge me… a few from this week…

*My 2.5yrold son has just discovered how immensely amusing it is to “wiggle wobble” my wiggly wobbly bits…. not impressed my boy… (LOL!)* 3 months and a loss of 1st 10lb and his little face giggles rapturously as he wobbles my tummy… *cries inside* are we ever happy with our bodies? I’m happy to say I escaped major stretch marks but child carrying and yep – that old chestnut  age have taken their toll. 😦

*I went to buy a diary today and stood there looking at them thinking “Blog, Blip, Twitter, Facebook… Who am I kidding!”* But actually I’m gutted…  I have paper diaries going back years, sometimes it’s not much more that a sentence, othertimes – like during the feedingondemand long weary days and nights of babyhood it was reams of sleep patterns and little smiles, flicking though pages is somehow so much more accessible that  pondering laboriously through an archive. If I spend much more time recording my life I will have no life so the diary has left the building.

*Tea drunk, back off to bed to listen to the BD snore and maybe, if it is not too much to ask; get a little bit more sleep? Please? 4:19 AM * Insomnia, my old friend…You are back again, this time without the urge for creativity you so often bring out in me, perhaps I’m being creative in other areas of my life. 5 broken hours sleep is as much as I seem to be getting at the moment, wtf…

(On being asked if I’m having a nice evening)  *If you threw in a night out dancing somewhere with a man in a tux, yeah… having a great time ;-)* Actually no..  I could think of so many better ways to spend the evening than listening to Wheeler Dealers and the cat lick her bottom whilst the over worked OH snoozes in and out of consciousness in his chair, I want to Dance…  Not just with the kids in the kitchen whilst scrubbing the cooker, I want to wear fancy shoes and a swishy frock and be swept off my feet… Wined and Dined and… I shall leave the rest to your imagination.

*Finally…. I have the remote control *Click* off…* and quiet….  My day is so noisy sometimes I could yell! TV, Kids, neighbours! and the total mindless booglebrainedrubbish that is man TV. Eurgh….

So now I’m wondering if I’m really that disatified with my life?

*I so love the bumpy slide at softplay weeeeeeeeeee!* You know those Mum’s who go to soft play and sit and have a coffee and a chin wag while the smalls charge around? Well, that can be me…  for 10 minutes or so…  and then I get ants in my pants and I can hear that big slide calling to me “Oi! Over here! Get your bum on me now!” Who can resist a slide that is so rude to you?…

*Yell loudly if you want me #amwriting* usually with twitter shrunk in the corner of the page – sad that is! But still, in October I thought I would have a go at writing fiction and I must say I totally adore it! Now what I have written is total hogwash but I don’t care, I’m finding it an enlightening experience, trying to describe what is happening to my characters effectively so it conjured up the right image and sequence is making me look at life a little harder and generally I like what I see (and how I see it).

*Today I am dancing like no one is watching ;-)* and I was…  for no good reason! Love it. I had been awake since 3am, driven back to wonderful Wilts from rural Northants (3hrs in slush and ice) yet when I hit Stonehenge I cracked a beaming smile and took a picture of the pile of rubble (It’s on my blip if ya really want to see it) It was great to be away but yesterday I was really pleased to be home. After an hour of aggressively thrashing the cooker clean with the help of Nickleback I softened, threw on the Abba cd and had a armwaving hipswinging mad moment (about an hour actually) of boundless energy! (Too much caffine perhaps) Don’t care… I rock 😀

I know I’m on twitter too much but it is my lifeline in my world gone small and I truly appreciate everyone who tweets with me guys you help keep me *____* insert appropriate word, “sane” doesn’t seem relevant. Some more than others – you know who you are!

If you have a tweet of mine you would like to see enlarged, post a comment I *might* be able to rise to the challenge – try me!

Merry Christmas and a bloody good New Year…  All of it!

Sometimes it pays to take short cuts

I sometime think there is so much involved with my leaving my post as “Mum in Charge” that it is not often worth it and when I return to disaster and devastation I usually conclude that this is so… Today however proved to have been totally  worth the effort and so far (reaches out to touch wood) there is no disaster, devastation or repercussions to report, it has obviously been one of those serendipitous days which are meant to be, and for that I am grateful.

In order to leave home today with as little stress and apprehension as possible I got ready whilst the smalls played in the bath and then cooked an early lunch, I was going to do Roast Lamb, it is Daddies favourite but the Little Man is being faddy at the moment and would have kicked off and probably thrown it on the carpet – play it safe I said to myself, so they had Sausage, Beans and Chips which always disappears – how do they know?

I told Daddy to put the Little Man to bed when he finished his dinner, our usual routine and to let the Little Lady watch a film on the car DVD screen with ear plugs in – great fun for her – so he could watch the British Grand Prix in peace, I will probably go to Mummy hell for that short cut but my husbands sanity was at risk…

So at 11.30am I left my family stuffing dinner appreciatively.

I took the back road to Bristol and pootled my way through the villages in beautiful and desirable quiet, there is much too much noise in my life at the moment, the vocal talents of my smalls are far reaching and penetrating. I always have difficulty discerning between sounds, if I am trying to hold a conversation somewhere noisy and I suddenly lean towards you or turn my head slightly it’s because I can’t hear you, probably not because I fancy you 🙂 Any time spent without noise is a blessing and driving in the car without company is rare, I found I was smiling to myself as I drove, not caring if the drivers coming the other way thought me a demented idiot.

Bristol itself is much changed since my college days and I have not been to the new look center, wow, just wow and lots off it, Cabot Circus is an impressive development, it has gone on my “get back to another time list” for further exploration. I walked through to Quakers Friars, where both my Mum and Dad had got remarried, (what a difference!) I wandered around to the old entrance, reminised a bit, noted the proposed arrival of The Sanctury with a leap of my heart (always wanted to go there) found a comfy spot on a very comfortable cool marble bench and waited…

The look on Julia’s face as she approached me was truly hilarious, is she isn’t she, I still think we should have worn carnations or something, I couldn’t help laughing. It was so pleasant to sit there in that smart square full of brightly coloured deck chairs and become acquainted, after a short while we were joined by Chris and the Tweetup began.

Vicky caught up with us at the restaurant, Bella Italia is so great for a meet up, the staff are relaxed and on a Sunday it was not heaving, they let us get on with the gossipy stuff, no rush, no pressure. For myself it is so nice to meet with other women who don’t just talk about their smalls, ok, so we did talk about the smalls but other subjects were explored and enjoyed, many laughs were shared over some delicious Italian food – I’m not telling what we discussed, what happens in Bristol stays in Bristol. But it was great and they are brilliant and I can’t wait to do it again.

Vicky – Vegemitevix, Julia – What will Julia do next, Chris – Thinly Spread

I got half way home and my phone rang, oh heavens it’s the husband! Have my peace keeping shortcuts paid off or has all hell let loose? I pulled over and answered with bated breath…. No, he sounded calm and happy, would I be long because the little man had woken up with a full nappy and it was a stinker… He doesn’t do bad nappies as they make him want to throw up, well if that was the limit of the disaster I was thrilled! Home I came, changed the nappy, made sandwiches for them and all was well.

What a bloody brilliant day 😀

A new and lovely thing…

I have had such fun this week, I have read a new blog trying to get a picture of a new friend, I have rushed around the shops and picked out some lovely small things wrapped them up with glee  in colourful paper, popped them into a pretty bag and then into a box and mailed it to the new friend, secretly smiling to myself. almost hugging myself because I hope she likes it and enjoys opening it.

Then today I had a special parcel myself from a different new friend, such excitement when the post lady left it and I waited until my daughter came home from nursery and we opened it together. There was a little box tied with green ribbon and several parcels wrapped in green paper, green is my favourite colour.  As we opened them we found a ring and a broach my new friend made for me herself, so lovely to have personally made gifts! Also an apron and chefs hat for my daughter and a cook book with lots of yummy recipes.

Oh yes and a chocolate lolly that someone thinks has her name on it! I did explain it was Mummies parcel…

Thank you Lottie for such a smashing secret parcel! Thanks to Maria for your thanks it was my pleasure 🙂

Thanks also to Heather for such a brilliant idea and organising it all, is it August yet?