Is There Sex After Children? Hell Yes!

Firstly I’d better point out that I’m not a councilor, all opinions voiced here are mine yada yada and also just because it works for me doesn’t make it work for everyone.  I personally often wonder why society is so Victorian about sex, after all, if humans didn’t procreate you wouldn’t be reading this would you? So that accepted, this post is about BEING SEXY not lesson in dynamics 😉 but if you have a problem with this please use the little x in the red box up there on the right.

Still here? Fine. Glad to see you xx

This week I visited Karin’s Blog Cafe Bebe and watched her vlog on sex after children, whilst this is a family blog and even though practically all my family and friends breeze through here at some point I felt compelled to answer her question “What do you do to keep things hot and sexy?”

My man and I may have some issues, who doesn’t! But a lack of sex life is not one of them, although until recently it probably was…

My issues…

Overtired?  You know that time when you spent months, in my case years plotting your chart, working the dates, seeing your temperature spike and calling the sperm provider to come home and fertilise the egg holder? How Sexy Was That? Total turn off to be honest but for a lot of us it’s how it was… is even. And then what happened? Your body changed so much in such a small time frame, physical change, chemical change, alien invasion.  I was never physically sick but I felt sick from 9 weeks to 30 weeks with both children and sleep? Sorry, what is sleep?  Explain that concept to me again because after four years of the kids waking up at all hours I still don’t sleep properly a year on.  #Insomniac

Exhaustion is a real libido killer, don’t be too hard on yourself if you are feeling so tired you can’t think, honestly until last year the last thing on my mind when I went to bed was getting sexy, it was more “I wonder how long I will get to sleep tonight?”

Self Esteem? On my wedding day I was 12 and a half stone, still a little overweight perhaps, curvy yes. Two children later I bloomed to 15 stone, like so many women I was unhappy with this, it didn’t feel right for me, I felt trapped inside my body. I’m still overweight (apparently) and not entirely happy but loosing 2 stone has helped with my view of me, I’m much happier enjoying wearing nicer clothes, I have more energy and I feel sexier… Please rest assured I did this for nobody but myself, I still have a few issues with my self esteem but I’m getting there…

Who are we together?

We were a very active couple. We met skydiving, we loved skiing, mountain biking, walking. We would spend our weekends under canvas dragging our all too willing border collie all over the country, it was a lifestyle we enjoyed together and I’m afraid it got sidelined…

Having kids… major roll changes, for me, for us… who’d have thought it! I have a hate of labels but they do apply, I’ve always been somebodies something, Daughter, Girlfriend, Fiancee, Wife… For a very short time in my 20’s the “Daughter” label became less important and the Girlfriend one disappeared and I became just “Me” Independent, strong minded, flirty with a strong self awareness including a sexual identity, once Fiancee and Wife happened somehow my self awareness became less important and by the time the label ‘Mother’ was attached I had no time to consider me, I was the center of someones universe in a totally dependent on me kind of way… Huge.

I remember once in my 20’s scoffing at a woman on the TV “Needing to Escape to find Myself” I remember thinking, honestly, what a strange thing to say! Now I can relate to that on so many levels it scares me.

And so, when I’m so lost in being ‘Mummy’ what happened to ‘Daddy’? He felt inadequate, my OH was never very sure how to handle/deal with babies, he says he was able to “choose not to” try and help due to this inadequacy, thankfully at 5 and 3 he is brilliant with them.. but all that baby stuff fell to me. Feeling sexy now – No Sir!

So how have we made/keep things hot and sexy?

It’s really hard to sit here writing about this and put them into some kind of order, they all kind of merge, so you will have to forgive me if I jump around a little, mine is not an orderly mind 😉

Time…. I have to say it, as much as I wish it wasn’t true, since my son turned two and has been more independent in play and feeding himself, life is coming back into “LIFE”. When I knew I was pregnant with no.2 I eased back from interactive time with my daughter, encouraged her to entertain herself, use her imagination, feel she was contributing to the family by helping and as my son has got older I’ve done the same with him.  The unexpected added benefit of this is at weekends Daddy and I can lounge in bed while they play downstairs together on a Sunday Morning and they do get very caught up in their games….

Several other things happened to change the post baby blues. I lost that 2 stone I hated and my self esteem improved, energy levels increased, my reading brain returned – I read my way through the Twilight saga in four weeks and then moved on to rereading other books I’d enjoyed and some new ones, I’ve always enjoyed adult themed literature (along side my huge love for comic fantasy) and reading about relationships, how people interact and come together, flirty, sexual tension with adventure and romantic notions is a strong influence on me! Another huge experience at the same time as the rediscovering reading for me was my birthday, I had a bit of a epiphany in hitting 40… The ‘naughty forties’ time to re-capture that independent feisty sexually aware 20 something I once was and reinvent her into a more mature feisty, sexually confident woman who feels she has nothing to prove to anyone anymore and can be ‘herself’ – Yeah, that and why the hell not? After all, you only live once.

Romance? No Romance? What is Romance? What does this mean to you? Candlelit dinners? Walks in the rain? We are all different. For me it’s being tactile, being held, feeling contact, being wanted… Quite simple things really. Tiny things that make your partner feel like you want to be close to them, like SLEEPING NAKED! Honestly, nothing says “I don’t want you” more than clothes in bed…

Sex is not about romance for me, I’ve lost the rose tinted glasses Hollywood paints for us, it’s a pre-cursor certainly, it helps with feeling sexy, romance is something a couple can work on all the time, not just with an ‘end goal’ in mind. Romantically speaking I do love the idea of getting myself ready for my ‘lover’ taking care of myself, I like him to make an effort too; but in reality for both of us this doesn’t happen for a whirlwind night of passion, it’s an “Ongoing project” I like to be aware of.  I get waxed, I go to a good hairdresser so I look reasonably acceptable, I try and wear nice clothes often, skirts and yes pretty (inexpensive) lingerie; nothing special just not ‘Bridgets’ all the time.. and these things I do for myself because it pleases me, makes me happy. YES! of course my husband likes his wife to look good and feel sexy but in my opinion that’s a happystance.

Don’t worry about being tired, be close, hold each other, be together when you can on whatever level you can manage, if that is just spooning at night so be it, who said sex had to be all swinging from the chandeliers anyway, adjust you athleticism to what you feel you can manage and UNDERSTAND that your partner needs to do that too… how do you do that? Well it’s all down to….

…Communication! This is the most important factor in our relationship, we talk, we listen to the verbal diatribe (and you think I drivel here!) about everything, no subject is taboo and when it comes to sex I do mean everything! Even investigating each others thoughts on things that don’t appeal to us, being opened minded about each others quirks and leaving no stone unturned. I’m lucky in this fact, it makes it easier to consider what Sex means to me and expand my horizons or just reaffirm an avenue we don’t wish to investigate. How you communicate is of course up to you, we hide ourselves away in the evenings in the hot tub and chew the cud, a rare escape to Minehead recently saw us covering subjects together that we had only hinted at before, frankly, intensely sometimes – TALK – no holds barred. And when you are not talking you can still be communication, non verbal communication is really important. Watch, explore – learn…

What do I like?

A friend of mine often says: ‘Men tell women they only think of sex every seven second so as not to scare them, because in reality it’s an awful lot more.’ Well, newsflash, a lot of women do too! Perhaps I’m just one of ‘those women’. I have blogged before in this post about my love of erotic photographs, I love reading erotica too, hell I even write it. I find it expands my mind thinking about the process of sex, choosing stories that appeal to me, pictures that interest me, most importantly working out what doesn’t appeal. This exploration of my mind, the use of words and the sight of an appealing picture is probably the single most key factor I associate with my increased libido since having children and I am sure my husband will agree, discovering what I like is what has bought sexy back into our lives.

So – a summary might be necessary.. 

Sleep naked

Talk

Listen

Touch

Explore

Is it legal? are you happy? do you like it? Do it…. Be open… Discuss.

Well there you go Karin…. I think I may have gone a bit mad…. 😉

Foot note – This is a family blog… Anything you think I’ve been vague about or you want some more detail on ask. I have email and Twitter has DM’s I don’t know all the answers but maybe if just chewing the cud would help, I’m up for that.

To MP3 or not to MP3…

So he says “Now you are listening to music again, you should have an MP3 player…”

I look at him with raised eyebrows, he is referring of course to my recent obsession with Taylor Swifts album Speak Now. (I have been delighted to find her lyrics connect me to a place I’d forgotten existed, especially Sparks Fly and Enchanted.) He is also really pleased that as I have lost weight my energy levels have zoomed and I do have a tendency to throw something dancey on the CD player and throw myself around a bit.

But an MP3 player? Why would I want one of those?

I can see the advantages of having some music handy for when the moment takes me, the Little Lady and I have been known to cut a few funky moves whilst walking around the park and I have considered starting jogging again, certainly dusting off the mountain bike. So perhaps this is something I should consider…

“Well…” says I “That is certainly worth considering…”

“How much music do you think you might need? 20 albums or more?” he asks

Once again, speechless… My days are normally quite busy with the smalls how much time do I have for listening to music? But then again, how long is a piece of string? As long as it needs to be of course – I’d need Speak Now of course, and the Mama Mia sound track (just for the Little Lady of course) and something Latinish for hipswinging and something Jazzish for when the mood takes me. Then I’d need the Bryan Adams back catalogue and Bon Jovi, Nickleback…  Really once you start thinking about it there is a lot to consider… So perhaps 20 albums isn’t enough at all!

“Perhaps more I dunno..”

“Do you want a screen?”

“I suppose that would be helpful… I guess if I take up jogging I will need one that can be strapped on somewhere…” he sniggered at that.

“Perhaps you should borrow my ipod and see how you get on?”

Perhaps I should? If I really am going to venture into the world of sound after all these years of preferring silence perhaps I should consider my options carefully….

So, what should I tell him I want – help me out here because I have nooooo idea what to look for in a MP3 player!

Image I love my Music by Shankar, shiv

Happy Birthday Me…

So it is here at last, so far I’m the only one to see it!

How does it feel? A relief actually.

30 seems like an age when you have to be achieving the things you put off in your 20’s, so I have the mortgage and the smalls, I suddenly feel able to kick back and enjoy them…

40 is not so bad, yes there are things I won’t be doing again like having more children or enjoying the pleasures of hot young men… Ces’t La Vie.

Now is the time to be nurturing the smalls making them the best people they can be and I can only do that to the best of my ability, so let’s make it fun!

Okay 40 – bring it on!

13st 2lb for those following, yes I missed my target weight by 9lb but I lost 1st 8lb and that is worth celebrating too, perhaps I will reach my goal by Christmas!

13 days…

Only 13 days left of my thirties and I don’t think I mind any longer.

When I turned 30, I spend ages looking in the mirror trying to see the woman I thought I knew inside, I really didn’t recognise myself and of course I found that alarming and disconcerting.  This week I have been looking in the mirror and I can see a new me, older, yes of course but it is a me I can recognise and relate to.

Perhaps it is the weight loss that has helped, I’m back at my pre pregnancy weight, which is good but I was a bit chubby back then too so there is still a way to go.  I have managed to put my wedding and engagement rings back on, my finger is still a little pudgy but they are on and that makes me happier.

I lost another lb this week for all the excess at the weekend, 1lb a week is slower than I hoped to loose weight but is that really important as long as it is coming off slowly and staying off?  I’m 12lb away from my first weight target of 12st 7lb and that is really very cool 😀 Perhaps as a thyroid sufferer this is all I can expect to loose per week.

Things are hotting up for my birthday, Daddy still doesn’t know if he is allowed the day off so I’m going ahead with my plan of dropping the smalls off at nursery, having a manicure and then going shopping in Bath for a glam outfit for my night out on the 6th.  I had hoped to spend a few hours at the Thermae spa, it’s looking unlikely, perhaps if I get any birthday money I may indulge myself.  I do intend to enjoy a very strong coffee with a large cake somewhere I can watch the world go by.

I’m still in the dark about the plans for my birthday and the control freak in me is not best happy with this, I am of the opinion however, that if one is lucky enough to have a special friend who will go out of their way to make something good happen for you then you are a really lucky so and so and should slap the control freak down and go with the flow.

Bring it on….

Chicken…

Updated for Recipes for Nick on What Will Julia Do Next


This weeks magic ingredient for Chez Chelle is Chicken, Chelle commented that she is jealous of us Brits and our roast dinners, they are one of our favourites too, but since the local supermarket sells cooked chickens, hot from the rotisserie at almost the same cost as the raw ones I never seem to cook it any more…  Wonder why??

This casserole is quick, tasty and extremely low fat, in fact one portion is only 3 weight watchers points, here goes…

Quick Chicken Casserole

3 Chicken breasts chopped

1pint of chicken stock (or enough to cover rest of ingredients)

3 carrots chopped

4 “portions” of new/small potatoes with the skins left on

1 medium onion chopped roughly

1 cup of peas

1 desert spoon of dried tarragon (or equivalent fresh is you like)

Cornflour to thicken if you prefer

Salt and Pepper to taste, I usually shake in some garlic powder too…

Place the chicken, carrots, onion and stock in a large (hob top) casserole dish and bring to the boil, add the peas and tarragon and allow to simmer until the potatoes are cooked. Drain the juice into another pan, Mix cornflour with water and thicken gravy as desired. Serve.

Feel free to fiddle with the level of content, chicken can be a bit dear at the moment so I have used more carrots or added leeks and cut down on the meat before now.

If you keep an eye on the salt content of your stock cubes, this is ideal to whizz up smooth and serve as baby food.  I also use turkey instead of chicken.