Staring at a blank page again…

Its time for a mind ramble..

It’s not like I haven’t tried to write, although to be fair to me (which I do try to do, even with a propensity to be too hard on myself.) life moves so fast and I’m often pulled in so many directions that my head spins.  As each day closes I remind myself to feel blessed that I reached the end of it with everyone I love safe and well. Compared to this, this full life of “stuffs” the need to write is just a niggle which I file mentally under “Things to do next week” along with printing off my endless back log of digital photos and actually doing some housework.

Sometimes the niggle is louder, so I muse on Facebook. Short, sharp often humorous (I hope) status updates observing the latest thing to tickle my fancy, the niggle is short-lived, easily placated and gets burried as I’m pulled into the next thing, endless refereeing, creating culinary masterpieces (scoffs loudly) school runs, evening clubs (theirs not mine, I have no social life!), preparing for trips, ironing work clothes, watching them display their latest achievements on the trampoline… and I do so love it all. It’s good this life. A pause button would of course make it better.

Today I find myself with a little extra time due to school play rehearsals, so I thought, get on with it, and then I thought, I have nothing to say. This discussion has ended my writing aspiration so many time I can not even begin to calculate, it may even have happened daily since my last post… Today I decided I would tell you this. Which makes today a very different day indeed.

In most respects its been a very normal Wednesday! I get more head space on Wednesdays as a rule, the small people have a woodland wander to school which means I get to drop them off earlier. After a brief logistical chat with one of my most fabulous friends, about various to-ings and fro-ings of children I headed home to coffee and i-pad time before work. I work part-time and this morning was a quiet one with friendly customers and chats about camping, puppies and the inability of any human to multitask. After work I wandered through the town running the odd errand, indulging on my favourite pass time of saying hello and exchanging news with people I know, spreading smiles. I was even brave enough to say hello to someone I thought I recognised from Instagram! (It was her too! which is even lovelier.) On arriving home I was greeted as usual by the black and white ninjacat, aka Twinkle, who has mellowed with age to being passably polite to most people and occasionally loving towards me, the food provider. Lunch was an indulgence of goats cheese and chorizo and then I found myself facing the dilema – I could clean/wash/iron/vacumn/sort/tidy etc or I could crochet/sew/read/game etc or I could write…. Guess what won.

Life changes.  Gone is the need to tweet to maintain adult contact in a world filled with nappies and peppa pig. No more, the desire to invite the world of the internets to know my every movement and dinner, it seems.  I never was one for selfies.  The daughter (now 10, I know, when the hell did that happen!) is adverse to my sharing her picture or doings on a web site (and I repect that) so any drivel I do splash onto this page about the smalls needs permission, although its usually granted.  The cats, adoreable as they are, are much the same as anybody elses. I never did write much about Mr. K as it would end up being a moan (possibly) and I’m much too loyal to mouth off so publicly about his good self.  I find myself a little bereft of subject matter.  So please forgive me if another year or so passes before I darken your door again.

 

 

Do that thing!

You know that thing, when you stop doing something you once did. You stop doing it for so long that it becomes almost impossible to start again, yet you want to start again but for what ever reason you feel you can’t. That.

All the reasons stream around your head; I can’t just now, I’m too tired/brain fogged/have nothing to say/busy/have nothing to say/out of practice/have still more nothing to say…

If you love doing something enough, you know you will come back to it when the time is right, yet that is an excuse too, it’s not the right time.

Such is my relationship with this little bloggy thing.

it’s been such a long time (over a year, yet I wasn’t very good at it before that.) I feel rusty, I still don’t have much to say and yet so much! it’s been a very big year, lots of ups and many many downs, life changes, learning curves, the road has been bumpy with cow sized pot holes.  I stopped talking and sharing somewhere along the way, I abandoned twitter, couldn’t manage more that naff facebook updates. I stopped writing, the stream of images in my head dried up. There was nothing but cotton wool and tinnitus.

Just sitting here shows me how far I have come in the last few months.

Perhaps its time. Perhaps not, I’m nervous. WordPress looks different, I feel out of my depth, the number of times I have said to myself “will you just get bl**dy on with it woman!”

So I took a deep breath and opened up this page and just started spewing type at it, which is pretty much all I ever did anyway. Perhaps I won’t say another thing until January 2016, perhaps I will find myself here again tomorrow. I really don’t know! I guess, like the rest of my road to recovery, its all about pacing, about taking one day at a time, about feeling my way.

It’s all about me!!!

*sniggers*

Courage

She watched him as he walked across the green, his lithe athleticism in fluid beauty of movement. Sinewy strength of taut muscles, tension bound like the worried expression on his face. She knew so much was wrong with his life, so much that she just couldn’t fathom the depth of his concern. Worst still, she was ineffectual to help him.

As he saw her his face became radiant, like clouds lifting after a summer storm making way for the suns rays to caress her skin.

“It’s good to see you.” he said simply and she nodded her voice suddenly silenced, he sat down next to her on the bench, folded tightly, his elbows on his knees, he ran his fingers through his hair, knuckles white with pressure. They sat in silence, each comforted by the presence of the other but maintaining distance. She listened to the sound of his breathing for some time, waiting for what he wanted to say. Eventually he murmured “I’m so glad you came.” He lifted his head and met her gaze with his glacier blue eyes, so penetrating, reaching into her soul, grasping her heart and twisting, her emotion rushing to her throat.

“You know don’t you.” he asked and once more she nodded and looked away, staring across the open space into nothing. “I’m sorry, it can’t be any other way.” he sighed “You have been all that has been bright to me for such a long time. Thank you, really. I love you.” he fell silent, his message delivered.

She felt the breeze on her face, noticed the chill creep through her coat and eventually the reality that night had fallen and she remained sitting on the bench in the park reached her. She turned to where he had sat so many hours ago and there was nothing, a gaping space where he should have been, to hold her, whisper soothing words of comfort and ease the pain from her body with his tender kisses.

Slowly, rising to her feet, fighting the cold cramp feelings of inactivity she stood. As the long-captive tears rolled down her cheeks  she reached within herself to the very core of her existence and found a spark, a glimmer of hope which made her move and took her safely home.

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Plug me in!

I’m so firmly connected to the internet and my little laptop that I should have my own cable, I should be Neo, plugged straight into the mainframe with my thoughts pumping straight into the little boxes I keep them in, all neat and tidy.

So, yesterday when the internet went down in my little corner of the green and blue planet, you should have heard the panic from there!  So what does one do to pass a wet sunday afternoon without Twitter or Tumblr or cable TV and the phone was down too… All your eggs in one basket springs to mind.

Well I wrote some more of a story I’m playing with. My lead man annoying me though, my characters don’t give me a lot of say in what happens to them and this one is more obsinant than most, I do understand where he is coming from and thats all very well but it’s not sexy! Hurumph!!

So I shut the lid on th laptop and cleaned the cooker… and then the shower…. and did some laundry… yawn. By which time the troops had finished playing ‘camping’ in the conservatory so we put on a film.

We laughed our way through Gnomeo and Juliette as the rain poured down outside, that is a really great film, one that I can endure more then once or twice luckily. Then I decided to get the wii fit board out.  I’ve been pretty sedentary for the last few days with a nasty cold so a jump around is always useful to get the blood flowing and the smalls are getting to the point where they can get there hands around the control, the little lady is so dinky she does struggle with that.  So we hula hooped and headed our way through all the Wii plus games with great excitement.

All four of us playing together and it was great fun!

From the sound of it that’s what we are doing tonight too, if you listen to my children….

But the internet is back and I’ve missed it… time for #metime

I Heart Me Monday – How do you blog?

How do you blog…. Interesting question… How do I blog? Organically. There, that was a quick post wasn’t it!

Alright *reluctantly drags attention back from interesting twitter conversation* it’s like this…

Something tiny, an inkling or flash of an idea appears in my head and worms it’s way around my brain until it’s forming a pearl of an idea or sometimes a Moeraki Boulder of an idea and it niggles and worries at me until eventually I have to spew it into the keyboard like a volcanic erruption, punctuation comes later (or doesn’t because I’m hopeless at punctuation…)

Moeraki Boulders

This is effectively how I write everything…  Discipline, structure and often content are of no matter. Which is why I don’t write interesting commentary on newsworthy topics or join in very often with the subject led fiction,  in fact I have been waiting for ‘I Heart me Monday’ to throw up a subject that doesn’t gel enough for me to spew about – hasn’t happened yet obviously…

I often wish I could be more disciplined and focused, perhaps with practice I will, perhaps actually doing some practice might help…. At the moment though I have so much coursing my head that needs venting it’s fair to say ‘practice’ is not going to happen today….